Babylon A.D. is set in the distant future and its’ anyone’s guess as to when the whole thing is happening.
Actually its’ anyone’s guess as to when anything is happening…
Er..Actually it’s also anyone’s guess as to what exactly is happening…
Ok! Ok! Without letting my confusion run rampant, I will go ahead and narrate this masterpiece of a dud.
Vin Diesel plays Toorop, a wanted criminal in America, but now living a hopeless life in Russia. He grunts and grumbles his monosyllables shooting one or two things here and there until he is hired by a Russian King-pin to ship an eerie looking girl, Aurora, to NY City.
Aurora has lived a closeted life in a monastery with a Martial-Arts Nun.
A**-Kicking Nun also accompanies Aurora on this excursion.
….Whose role in the movie, I later figured, was simply to die unceremoniously.
The trio set-out to travel the poverty-struck lands of Russia via a rickety old car; via a filthy train, via an odd looking submarine and via a snow-mobile into America.
Of course strewn thru their journey we have the soldiers jumping around, boxing matches, missiles’ going astray and gun-shots.
The action scenes marked is such a pathetic mish-mash of everything that I have seen earlier that I can vouch on my grandma skills to write a fresher script.
I sat thru’ this plain noise in the fond hope that the story was meant to shape after they reach NY.
…The fond hope was cruelly squashed as the noise gave way to nonsense.
In NY, there was absolutely no-way to decipher what world they were in.
The lights, the buildings, the adverts simply belong to “now”
The only futuristic thing was a taxi with a flashy, rolling advertisement.
Adding to these dismal visuals we have a twist in the tale (more like strangulation) - a virgin Aurora falls pregnant.
As the story turned beyond salvage, I used my keen detective-eye to understand the reasons for the many goons chasing the trio:-
There is a mother and father to Aurora, A mother who conceptualized her and father who engineered her thru’ a computer.
The mother is a priestess of some sorts and wants her daughter for some random religious reasons, and the father wants Aurora because he now deeply cares for his daughter.
Since the priestess has some devious designs basing Aurora the father fights her goons to keep the girl.
My brethren as you know Mysterious are the ways of “God” the priestess didn’t much care to tell me of her evil intentions. It was even beyond my detective-eye to unravel.
And so in all honestly I have no idea what the father was fighting for.
Whilst the mother and father compete with one another to send the audience completely mad, an insipid romance develops between Toorop and Aurora.
And before I blinked my eye the development was over.
More chaos started reigning! Read - A story ripped into unfathomable pieces.
One such unfathomable piece is a Toorop shot in the chest to death.
But, hey, this is Toorop we are talking about, so 4 hours after his death he is bought back to life with a plastic hand.
Er..! A bullet in the chest equals a damaged hand..Er..!
Clearly Human anatomy is weird in the future.
Toorop then goes and saves Aurora and then adopts her racially different daughters.
Stop looking so hopefully at me, there is nothing more I can’t tell you.
In one line it was an absurd movie with an abrupt ending.
Still laughing after all these years
11 hours ago